Timeout

During early July of the previous year, I noticed a change in myself. I was lethargic most of the times and my appetite had gone down considerably. So much, there were meals I took just for the sake of filling up the belly. Those were the first symptoms, the ones we usually ignore.

 

July-September was a crazy time at the work front. The client had set tough deadlines. Not to say they were not achievable, there is nothing that a 70-odd hour work week cannot accomplish. I bided the time. "This too shall pass". It did not. The work did reduce over time, but even today I rarely get the chance to ride back home at 7 O' clock and complain about the terrific evening traffic of Bengaluru. I haven't seen much of it, to be honest. Late-nighters do have their perks. In all of this conundrum, I forgot to do something very crucial to my welfare - take timeouts.

 

I will be honest, I love the job. Not only the pay package or the office itself. Those things are only as good as the work at hand. I love my job because I enjoy going about daily activities. In the entirety of my current project, I have never complained about the work becoming repetitive, or about the lack of new learnings and personal development. These are some of the most common grievances I get to hear from my friends working in different corporations. What I failed to realize was when to switch off. Let me explain. VVS Laxman once played 452 deliveries to score 281 runs in the second innings of a test match, and not only did he save the match but won it. His heroic knock of 2001 against Australia is now a part of cricket folklore. But was Laxman completely focused at all times during his batting masterclass? Certainly not. Glove changes, drink breaks, the gap between overs, and not to forget the small breaks between deliveries as the bowler walks back to his run-up mark and the captain changes the field. Timeouts, you see?

 

I ignored those early symptoms thinking they would magically take care of themselves. "Can't my body understand I am up to something really important?". No, your body won't understand. Your body's well-being along with your peace of mind should be your priority, any given day. And even though a handful of people will repeat this time and again, the rhetoric won't make a difference unless you realize it yourself. The symptoms were more pronounced now; By the time I finally met my first set of doctors, things were already out of my hands. What would have earlier taken a couple of casual leaves, now required multiple sessions over the weekend, and repeated absence from the office that I could not explain to my colleagues. I am not sure why, but I have observed that people are more reluctant to take sick leaves than planned holidays. It is easier to plan a vacation and apply for a week's worth of absence a couple of months in advance than to call in last minute to let your peers know that you won't be coming to the office because you have health needs to take care of. There is certain guilt associated. "What if they think I am faking it?", or "I don't have enough prescriptions for the total days I will be skipping". These things played up in my mind more than the thought of getting better.

 

Alas, being a working professional far away from home, there is only a little news of concern you choose to share with your family. Even with all their empathy, there is not much that they can do except worry - something that you don't want from them. You are shitting your pants anyway. This is a coping mechanism of sorts, wherein we alienate the ones who are dearest to us to avoid troubling them. Too focused on the tragedy at hand, five minutes later when you turn back, there is no one left to worry any more. I detached myself from a lot of people during this time, people whose company I sorely miss now. If they are reading this right now, I am sorry. I was too scared to let you in. Nine months and two promotions later, I have ample to suffice. But not enough people or time to enjoy the ample.

All of this could have been avoided if I knew how to read my body better and take those small breaks. Those too insignificant to notice but now significant in a big way - timeouts.

My message is very simple for you, the reader. If you made it this far, I hope you get value out of your reading time. If you can spend 5 minutes on someone else's tragedy, spend some time understanding your self better to avoid one in your own life. It would be great if you can share this around and let more people be aware of the small things that can make or break in a big way, especially at a time when the whole world is on toes against Coronavirus. Even if we think we don't, we all need timeouts from time to time. :)